Even now it is hard to put into words the thoughts and emotions I felt when the time would come and I would be faced with having to say goodbye.I've never been good at letting people in to see the real me, but you already knew that, and yet somehow you managed to find your way in. It's funny when we were growing up, the way we fought like cats and dogs, who would have thought that would cement a friendship that would last a lifetime. Only to realize that sometimes... a Lifetime... is only a brief moment in time. Even as our lives changed, you getting married and me moving a couple hundred miles from home the bond we shared only grew stronger. It was in you I could find friendship, laughter and a comfort to be at ease. Though miles apart there were times when going through some difficulties in my life and without sharing this with anyone you seemed to sense it, for I would pickup the phone and you would be on the other end, just to chit chat, catch up and share a few laughs.It's strange, because at times I find myself scrolling through the contact list on my phone just to search for your name and number.Then as I find it and pause, as though with the simple push of a button I would hear the familiar words... " Hey Jethro, What Ya Up To"... only to realize my heart had gotten lost in the moment. Yet, in this same moment my mind tells me different, for it will only be in memories I will hear you say these words again. You will never know how much I miss that...just hearing your voice. There has not been a day that has gone by since you left that you haven't crossed my mind. I know as the time approached I pulled away from you and I hope with all my heart this caused you no pain, for it was in my own selfishness the grief of loss had begun to work it's way in and I wasn't sure if I could survive going through this once again. You know what I speak of when I say this, for it was you who was there that last time to guide me back. To listen to me, to comfort me, to steady me even though you yourself were having to deal with the same loss.
.....And even when you were having to fight for every week, hour and moment it was you who once again held out your hand to comfort me and guide me back to share some time together in what would be a bond that would last a lifetime....And even now as I told you then...I want to thank you for your friendship...I'm not sure what I will do without that....and even now... three years later... I'm still not.
******************************************************
The picture above is that of me and my sister Judy. You see, a few weeks previous to this picture being taken she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a couple days following this picture she was to start her first chemo treatments. Even through all that she would have to endure in the following months, the repeated chemo, the radiation, the surgeries she was always there to share a smile with us, even when it was obvious the pain was almost more than she could bear.
Ultimately, no manner of treatment proved effective and on March 3, 2006 at the age of 43, she lost her battle with cancer.The funeral was held on March 6, 2006 on what would have been her 44th birthday.
There had only been one other time in my life I was faced with such a loss, that was on March 30, 1999 when my Mom unexpectedly died, never having the chance to say goodbye. To be honest, even with being a grown man it was an event I was not prepared for and one I didn't handle well. But it was Judy who reached out her hand, and it was she who I poured out my heart to when I could not understand.
But now, it was she who would be leaving. Admittedly it was a confusing time for me, I could not let this time slip away...for this time, unlike the last I have the chance to say "Goodbye".
I've never been good at expressing myself, at least not verbally.So, with pen and paper in hand and over the course of several nights I poured out my heart to her once again. Even now as I remember back the words contained in that letter come easily to my mind, for it is something I will never forget, for it was not just merely words but a lifetime of sharing, caring, love and laughter.
( The following is the first and last paragraph of this letter )
***Judy,
Often in life we never get around to telling the people we love just how much they mean to us. I have tried, a few times now but my emotions would not allow me to say all the things I need to say to you. Please forgive me for having to read these words from a page instead of hearing this from me face to face............
.............I have struggled with whether or not I should ever send you this letter for I do not want to burden your mind or make heavy your heart for those are not my intentions, instead I hope and pray that the words and thoughts contained in these pages will bring a smile to your face and a contentment within your heart by knowing you have made such a huge difference in my life. For all of this I do thank you and I will be forever grateful..." You Judy Are Truly An Amazing Person".
***I love You, Jeff
I did send her this letter a few weeks before her death. A few days after sending this I went in one weekend to visit not really knowing what to expect or her reaction would be. As I entered the room she was laying there, sleeping peacefully, so I sat down next to her bed and there on the little table beside her bed was the letter, unopened. My mind raced back and forth for a while. But as I sat there with all the thoughts of what was contained in that letter running through my head, she slowly opened her eyes and gave me a big grin, then said " Hello Jethro.....I got a letter from you, how about I read it now". I was speachless as she opened it and began to read and as she turned the pages I could no longer contain all the emotions I held inside for so long and buried my face in my hands. But then, I felt a hand on my arm, I look up and she is standing there and slowly lifts me up, she puts her arms around me.......it is a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life.....it was this moment, this time I had the chance to say "Goodbye".
