The sounds of silence...

Being off from work this week I had hoped to get a big snowstorm and get several inches of snow, but no such luck. Like most, I have a love-hate relationship with snow but for all the negative affects it can bring I am still amazed how it can transform the landscape.

I could sit and watch it snow for hours on end as a single snowflake floats to the ground only to be joined by another until one by one they embrace each other and in the process change a gray, dark, desolate land into new hope and promise with its shining white glow.

Silently one by one, they rush to join the others; they quietly march to muffle the sounds of an angry world; if only for a little while. For when tomorrow comes and the Sun arises in the distant sky it will be time for change once again...and one by one they will disappear into the earth as to hide from sight only to be engulfed by the dark once more. Although not seen by the blind eye, it is with new purpose they make this transformation for when the winds of winter die down they will return again, no longer a shimmering white but the colors of spring.

Lost Faith...

I come from a rather large catholic family with parents who had a strong faith and belief in God. They weren't the type to hit you over the head with bible or condemn you to hell for every little thing done wrong. They lived their faith by everyday words and actions. They made sure all us kids were surrounded by that belief and faith sending all 9 of us through 12 years of catholic school even though it was a financial hardship to scrape up the money to ensure we were a part of that experience. They made sure all of us made it to church every sunday and taught that God must be a part of every aspect of our lives, saying grace before every meal and prayers before going to sleep at night and a prayer of thanks in the morning before starting our day.

I guess the hardest thing for me was not really that I had questions and doubts about God, but it was these questions and doubts that went against everything in which my parents lived and worked to instill in me. But even with all the love, grace and examples....my questions, my doubts remained. As I was preparing to go out into the world for the first time my Mom said this to me...

" If you should lose everything in this world, make sure you hold onto your faith"

....and it is in this that I have failed her.

Even after leaving home and out on my own I continued to go to church every sunday , observed the holy days and prayed the way in which I was always taught to do but lingering doubts never strayed far. There, sitting in church on sunday wanting so much to believe but knowing I was nothing more than a hypocrite sitting there. I tried to just push all of it to the back of my mind telling myself I was just weak and needed to try harder, be stronger. It was at this point I decided to get more involved with the church, throwing myself into more activities, even going to mass during the week for some of the evening gatherings, trying my best to answer "the call". The only problem with that was there was no call to answer as I found myself still feeling separated and merely going through the motions.

Then one sunday as I was preparing for the usual morning services, sitting on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on, all the doubt and questions came rushing back to forge their way ahead, no longer to be hidden in the recesses of my mind. It was as if I was paralyzed, no place to run....no place to hide.

As I sat there with all these thoughts in my mind, looking back to everything my parents had spent their lives teaching me to embrace, trying so desperately to hold onto those beliefs even knowing that was not what was in my heart. As one minute turned to two, and minutes into hours....

I reached out to you, but my hand grew tired as I slowly lowered it to my side...

I cried out to to you, only to hear the echo of my voice return...

I looked up to you, only to be blinded by that which was not there...

I walked the road to find you, but the road had no end...

I looked in the mirror to see you, only to see a reflection of a man...

.....it was in this moment that the final struggle was over and the battle field of my mind was littered with that which was left behind and the haze that had lingered for so long began to lift. There were no victories to be celebrated that day, just an overwhelming sense of calm, for it was only now I could pickup and move on. I've never spoke with anyone about that day or the final outcome for there are those who would say..... a soul was lost that day. Perhaps they are right, for this I do not know, for there is only one thing that I can be sure of and it is this.....for the first time in a long time I got a glimpse of myself and I was ok with what I saw.Even now as I look back on that day I am left to wonder..........should one morning come, when sitting on the edge of the bed to put my shoes on I will get up, head out the door to search that road once more?

20 Years Ago Today.....

I was 23, starting a new job and living on my own for the first time. It's hard to believe that 20 years have already gone by. Everything seemed so fresh and new back then and I suppose it was to someone of that age. Nowadays it seems like a rarity for a person to stay employed with one company for so long. All and all it has been a good place to work even though it too has had it moments. Nevertheless, things have changed over the years or maybe I'm the one that's changed, probably a combination of the two.
The last few years I'm finding it harder to keep myself motivated and relevant to an always evolving industry. All the new technology and fresh faces coming in the door.
It leaves me wondering if I have the stamina or for that matter the desire to keep pace.
I had always hoped to retire from here when I turned 50 years old, but that's still 7 years away and with the downturn in the stock market sending my 401k into the crapper it doesn't look like that's going to be possible now. It's almost like running a 26 mile marathon and I'm at the 20 mile marker and fading fast.
I wasn't just going to quit working altogether, but by then I could start fresh again and get into something I always wanted to do. You see, I had this dream of someday buying a little place in the country, in the backwoods somewhere, setting up some greenhouses and let my love for growing things shine. Even now after all this time on this earth it still amazes me as I watch, come March, as winter loosens it grip on the land and all of nature starts reaching out to the sky as waiting for an embrace from the sun. There is truly nothing better on this earth, it is a part of me, it is in my blood, it is who I am.
But for now it will have to remain that, just a dream, one in which I will hold on to at least until reality settles in.

Welcome to my neck of the woods...

I'm just learning this new technology, you know, the world of internet blogs and such. So, please be patient with me as I explore this experience and share with you my world as seen through my eyes, my ears and my heart.
As you may have seen in my profile I was born and raised in Kentucky and have lived here all my life. I'm the youngest of 9 children. I use to hate when people would call me the baby of the family but now in my 40's it's kinda growing on me. I moved away from home when I was 23 (yeah, late bloomer) setting out to change my life and the world. The funny thing is my travels didn't take me far. Although I no longer live in the area in which I grew up I have settled a couple hundred miles away. Most of my family still lives in the area in which we were raised creating a life of familiarity and connections in a place they call home. Strange as it may seem, when I too look back to find that place of connection and comfort of the known, at times anyway it is as though it is a foreign land and one in which I no longer have a place.
Anyway, after moving away I took a job in shipping at a manufactoring facility and have somehow worked my way up to supervisor of the machine shop, not quite sure how I managed that one but almost 20 years have gone by and I'm still here.
A friend suggested that I start this blog, don't know what the hell she was thinking, after all I can't say I have anything to offer. However, after some poking and prodding here I am. I can't give you any great insight into this world, nor will I WOW you with my charm and intellect for the truth of the matter is I'm still trying to figure this out myself...life that is...as I walk this path alone.