The Great Depression...

As things seem to be going from bad to worse in the economy the references to the Great Depression become more frequent. I am left to wonder if we really understand the magnitude of the events that took place in that era and how it shaped a generation and if the events of today are a fair comparison. The picture on the left is that of Florence Owens Thompson, it was taken by Dorothea Lange in 1936 and titled " Migrant Mother". It is perhaps one of the single most powerful images of the time. Study the picture...the lines on her forehead, the worry of her brow, the way her hand is placed to the side of her cheek and the eyes most telling of all. It captured the heartache, desperation, despair and hopelessness of a people. When I was kid my parents would talk of this time, for this was the time in which they themselves were children and tried to convey what it was like growing up in this period; it was this time that would shape a part of who they were and how they would live their lives. It is only now as an adult that I have come to realize what sacrifices they must have made while we were kids to ensure that we would have opportunities and choices in life.

Growing up in a rural area I can remember even as a child of how important it was to my parents to make sure we had the garden planted in early spring. It wasn't one of these little backyard gardens you see now, with 9 kids to feed it was an all out effort to make sure we had enough to make it through the winter without having to spend any more than necessary at the country store in town.We started by getting the potatoes in the ground by Good Friday which was usually in March.My parents would get 100 pounds of seed potato and the adults would pull a chair up to one of those big wash tubs and begin cutting them into sections with just the right amount of eyes per slice to make for a good plant later.While this was going on Dad would be plowing the fields and getting them ready and when everything was prepared all of us would have a job to do. While Dad was making the rows one of the older kids would side dress with fertilizer and the little ones would place the seeds into the rows spaced the right distance apart while some of the other kids would follow behind with hoe in hand to cover with dirt.

Next came the plant beds. Throughout the year we would save wood and any limbs that may have fallen due to storms and such and would collect them into one big brush pile and burn them to cleanse the area to plant seed so when mid May came around we would already have seedlings ready for transplant in the main garden. At that time there were few if any nurseries and few could afford them anyway. When May came around it was a nonstop work because now was The Time......time for planting.....tomatoes,corn, green beans,squash,peppers and along with that came the seasonal items that mother nature provided like good ole blackberries. Mom would send all us kids out to pick wild berries to bring back so she could put up for winter like most other items.

After weeks and months of back breaking work to ensure a bountiful harvest, come mid-July some of the vegetables were ready for picking and from then on until late September it was a hectic time trying to get as much as possible canned and put up for the winter months. Even though Mom and Dad worked in the factory that didn't stop them from coming home and doing a full days work there as well. As the youngest, once I entered school my Mom took a job at the factory to help meet the needs of a growing family. But without fail they would get home and start working and would continue until after dark. Their day usually started long before sunrise, Mom would get up at 4:00 am and head to the kitchen to make breakfast and Dad would soon follow and they would sit down to eat together.They would then prepare for work at the factory and do some chores before waking us kids for breakfast and getting us ready when school was in session or in the summer months waking some of the older kids a little after 6:00 am to let them know they were leaving for work.

Yet, all of this was just a small fraction in the effort, work and sacrifice my parents put forth, never thinking of themselves, instead striving to make a better life for us kids. As a young adult and amazed at how they managed to raise all us kids. I asked my Mom once how they did it.....

Her response was a simple one......" Oh, we just threw another bean in the pot"

.....It is only now as I have grown older that I have slowly begun to realize how much I took for granted while I was being raised. Although we may have never had the latest and greatest in the world in terms of material things. I have come to recognize that I have received more in this life than most and it was through the hardships that my parents endured and the sacrifice they made while I was growing up.

The thoughts of a weary mind...

I had hoped that the time off these last few days would have brought me a renewed sense of self and the rest I so desired. Instead, the time is quickly closing in when I will have to return to that which makes up my everyday life having found neither as if it were a game of cat and mouse, only to grow tired in the process. In sleep I found little that would bring solace to the mind as the relentlessness of thought continued to race foward even as my body lay dormant. I would awake in the morning as though the hours that had passed were only a few minutes in time. I have accomplished little in the past few days, a time in which should have been a rejuvenation of mind, body and spirit will instead have disappeared with nothing to show for it but the growing restlessness that seems to be a constant companion by my side.

Once again I will be faced with the task of putting on a worthy performance so those around me will not see the struggle going on inside. Contentment seems to becoming an elusive foe and one in which appears to be a worthy opponent. So at least for now, I will put on the mask of satisfaction and strength, for to do otherwise would only invite the wolves to the door in what would surely be a massacre in the stampede that would follow.

New Beginnings...?

"New Beginnings"... The last few days I have heard these words repeated many times in refering to the start of a new year but what does it really mean? I suspect you would probably get a different answer from each person this question is asked. For some, it will be a time in which they will reinvent themselves; an effort to shed that which is on the exterior in the hope that they will be viewed in a new light. For others, they will turn their focus to the interior; seeking self enlightenment to give themselves new purpose and meaning in life. Yet still, there will be those who choose neither; for they will walk the path of yesterday and strive to correct the failures of the past. There will be those who through no fault of their own a "new beginning" will be thrust upon them, although not of their choosing they are forced into a different direction.

.....but for each new beginning must something come to an end? That's a question that I really don't know the answer but it reminds me of something I once read....

Without failure how would we know where we've been?

Without success how would we know where we want to go?

Without both how would we know how to get there?

I just thought those three phrases ring so true.....although my failures are many and my successes few I will not turn my back on tomorrow and live yesterday. I will take that next step in my search no matter where it might lead me and should my time on this earth come to an end before I reach that destination I will have left knowing that I was not the same person I was yesterday.....for that will be my greatest success!

The sounds of silence...

Being off from work this week I had hoped to get a big snowstorm and get several inches of snow, but no such luck. Like most, I have a love-hate relationship with snow but for all the negative affects it can bring I am still amazed how it can transform the landscape.

I could sit and watch it snow for hours on end as a single snowflake floats to the ground only to be joined by another until one by one they embrace each other and in the process change a gray, dark, desolate land into new hope and promise with its shining white glow.

Silently one by one, they rush to join the others; they quietly march to muffle the sounds of an angry world; if only for a little while. For when tomorrow comes and the Sun arises in the distant sky it will be time for change once again...and one by one they will disappear into the earth as to hide from sight only to be engulfed by the dark once more. Although not seen by the blind eye, it is with new purpose they make this transformation for when the winds of winter die down they will return again, no longer a shimmering white but the colors of spring.

Lost Faith...

I come from a rather large catholic family with parents who had a strong faith and belief in God. They weren't the type to hit you over the head with bible or condemn you to hell for every little thing done wrong. They lived their faith by everyday words and actions. They made sure all us kids were surrounded by that belief and faith sending all 9 of us through 12 years of catholic school even though it was a financial hardship to scrape up the money to ensure we were a part of that experience. They made sure all of us made it to church every sunday and taught that God must be a part of every aspect of our lives, saying grace before every meal and prayers before going to sleep at night and a prayer of thanks in the morning before starting our day.

I guess the hardest thing for me was not really that I had questions and doubts about God, but it was these questions and doubts that went against everything in which my parents lived and worked to instill in me. But even with all the love, grace and examples....my questions, my doubts remained. As I was preparing to go out into the world for the first time my Mom said this to me...

" If you should lose everything in this world, make sure you hold onto your faith"

....and it is in this that I have failed her.

Even after leaving home and out on my own I continued to go to church every sunday , observed the holy days and prayed the way in which I was always taught to do but lingering doubts never strayed far. There, sitting in church on sunday wanting so much to believe but knowing I was nothing more than a hypocrite sitting there. I tried to just push all of it to the back of my mind telling myself I was just weak and needed to try harder, be stronger. It was at this point I decided to get more involved with the church, throwing myself into more activities, even going to mass during the week for some of the evening gatherings, trying my best to answer "the call". The only problem with that was there was no call to answer as I found myself still feeling separated and merely going through the motions.

Then one sunday as I was preparing for the usual morning services, sitting on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on, all the doubt and questions came rushing back to forge their way ahead, no longer to be hidden in the recesses of my mind. It was as if I was paralyzed, no place to run....no place to hide.

As I sat there with all these thoughts in my mind, looking back to everything my parents had spent their lives teaching me to embrace, trying so desperately to hold onto those beliefs even knowing that was not what was in my heart. As one minute turned to two, and minutes into hours....

I reached out to you, but my hand grew tired as I slowly lowered it to my side...

I cried out to to you, only to hear the echo of my voice return...

I looked up to you, only to be blinded by that which was not there...

I walked the road to find you, but the road had no end...

I looked in the mirror to see you, only to see a reflection of a man...

.....it was in this moment that the final struggle was over and the battle field of my mind was littered with that which was left behind and the haze that had lingered for so long began to lift. There were no victories to be celebrated that day, just an overwhelming sense of calm, for it was only now I could pickup and move on. I've never spoke with anyone about that day or the final outcome for there are those who would say..... a soul was lost that day. Perhaps they are right, for this I do not know, for there is only one thing that I can be sure of and it is this.....for the first time in a long time I got a glimpse of myself and I was ok with what I saw.Even now as I look back on that day I am left to wonder..........should one morning come, when sitting on the edge of the bed to put my shoes on I will get up, head out the door to search that road once more?

20 Years Ago Today.....

I was 23, starting a new job and living on my own for the first time. It's hard to believe that 20 years have already gone by. Everything seemed so fresh and new back then and I suppose it was to someone of that age. Nowadays it seems like a rarity for a person to stay employed with one company for so long. All and all it has been a good place to work even though it too has had it moments. Nevertheless, things have changed over the years or maybe I'm the one that's changed, probably a combination of the two.
The last few years I'm finding it harder to keep myself motivated and relevant to an always evolving industry. All the new technology and fresh faces coming in the door.
It leaves me wondering if I have the stamina or for that matter the desire to keep pace.
I had always hoped to retire from here when I turned 50 years old, but that's still 7 years away and with the downturn in the stock market sending my 401k into the crapper it doesn't look like that's going to be possible now. It's almost like running a 26 mile marathon and I'm at the 20 mile marker and fading fast.
I wasn't just going to quit working altogether, but by then I could start fresh again and get into something I always wanted to do. You see, I had this dream of someday buying a little place in the country, in the backwoods somewhere, setting up some greenhouses and let my love for growing things shine. Even now after all this time on this earth it still amazes me as I watch, come March, as winter loosens it grip on the land and all of nature starts reaching out to the sky as waiting for an embrace from the sun. There is truly nothing better on this earth, it is a part of me, it is in my blood, it is who I am.
But for now it will have to remain that, just a dream, one in which I will hold on to at least until reality settles in.

Welcome to my neck of the woods...

I'm just learning this new technology, you know, the world of internet blogs and such. So, please be patient with me as I explore this experience and share with you my world as seen through my eyes, my ears and my heart.
As you may have seen in my profile I was born and raised in Kentucky and have lived here all my life. I'm the youngest of 9 children. I use to hate when people would call me the baby of the family but now in my 40's it's kinda growing on me. I moved away from home when I was 23 (yeah, late bloomer) setting out to change my life and the world. The funny thing is my travels didn't take me far. Although I no longer live in the area in which I grew up I have settled a couple hundred miles away. Most of my family still lives in the area in which we were raised creating a life of familiarity and connections in a place they call home. Strange as it may seem, when I too look back to find that place of connection and comfort of the known, at times anyway it is as though it is a foreign land and one in which I no longer have a place.
Anyway, after moving away I took a job in shipping at a manufactoring facility and have somehow worked my way up to supervisor of the machine shop, not quite sure how I managed that one but almost 20 years have gone by and I'm still here.
A friend suggested that I start this blog, don't know what the hell she was thinking, after all I can't say I have anything to offer. However, after some poking and prodding here I am. I can't give you any great insight into this world, nor will I WOW you with my charm and intellect for the truth of the matter is I'm still trying to figure this out myself...life that is...as I walk this path alone.