When Goodbye is Forever...

Even now it is hard to put into words the thoughts and emotions I felt when the time would come and I would be faced with having to say goodbye.I've never been good at letting people in to see the real me, but you already knew that, and yet somehow you managed to find your way in. It's funny when we were growing up, the way we fought like cats and dogs, who would have thought that would cement a friendship that would last a lifetime. Only to realize that sometimes... a Lifetime... is only a brief moment in time. Even as our lives changed, you getting married and me moving a couple hundred miles from home the bond we shared only grew stronger. It was in you I could find friendship, laughter and a comfort to be at ease. Though miles apart there were times when going through some difficulties in my life and without sharing this with anyone you seemed to sense it, for I would pickup the phone and you would be on the other end, just to chit chat, catch up and share a few laughs.It's strange, because at times I find myself scrolling through the contact list on my phone just to search for your name and number.Then as I find it and pause, as though with the simple push of a button I would hear the familiar words... " Hey Jethro, What Ya Up To"... only to realize my heart had gotten lost in the moment. Yet, in this same moment my mind tells me different, for it will only be in memories I will hear you say these words again. You will never know how much I miss that...just hearing your voice. There has not been a day that has gone by since you left that you haven't crossed my mind. I know as the time approached I pulled away from you and I hope with all my heart this caused you no pain, for it was in my own selfishness the grief of loss had begun to work it's way in and I wasn't sure if I could survive going through this once again. You know what I speak of when I say this, for it was you who was there that last time to guide me back. To listen to me, to comfort me, to steady me even though you yourself were having to deal with the same loss.


.....And even when you were having to fight for every week, hour and moment it was you who once again held out your hand to comfort me and guide me back to share some time together in what would be a bond that would last a lifetime....And even now as I told you then...I want to thank you for your friendship...I'm not sure what I will do without that....and even now... three years later... I'm still not.


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The picture above is that of me and my sister Judy. You see, a few weeks previous to this picture being taken she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a couple days following this picture she was to start her first chemo treatments. Even through all that she would have to endure in the following months, the repeated chemo, the radiation, the surgeries she was always there to share a smile with us, even when it was obvious the pain was almost more than she could bear.

Ultimately, no manner of treatment proved effective and on March 3, 2006 at the age of 43, she lost her battle with cancer.The funeral was held on March 6, 2006 on what would have been her 44th birthday.

There had only been one other time in my life I was faced with such a loss, that was on March 30, 1999 when my Mom unexpectedly died, never having the chance to say goodbye. To be honest, even with being a grown man it was an event I was not prepared for and one I didn't handle well. But it was Judy who reached out her hand, and it was she who I poured out my heart to when I could not understand.


But now, it was she who would be leaving. Admittedly it was a confusing time for me, I could not let this time slip away...for this time, unlike the last I have the chance to say "Goodbye".


I've never been good at expressing myself, at least not verbally.So, with pen and paper in hand and over the course of several nights I poured out my heart to her once again. Even now as I remember back the words contained in that letter come easily to my mind, for it is something I will never forget, for it was not just merely words but a lifetime of sharing, caring, love and laughter.

( The following is the first and last paragraph of this letter )

***Judy,

Often in life we never get around to telling the people we love just how much they mean to us. I have tried, a few times now but my emotions would not allow me to say all the things I need to say to you. Please forgive me for having to read these words from a page instead of hearing this from me face to face............

.............I have struggled with whether or not I should ever send you this letter for I do not want to burden your mind or make heavy your heart for those are not my intentions, instead I hope and pray that the words and thoughts contained in these pages will bring a smile to your face and a contentment within your heart by knowing you have made such a huge difference in my life. For all of this I do thank you and I will be forever grateful..." You Judy Are Truly An Amazing Person".

***I love You, Jeff

I did send her this letter a few weeks before her death. A few days after sending this I went in one weekend to visit not really knowing what to expect or her reaction would be. As I entered the room she was laying there, sleeping peacefully, so I sat down next to her bed and there on the little table beside her bed was the letter, unopened. My mind raced back and forth for a while. But as I sat there with all the thoughts of what was contained in that letter running through my head, she slowly opened her eyes and gave me a big grin, then said " Hello Jethro.....I got a letter from you, how about I read it now". I was speachless as she opened it and began to read and as she turned the pages I could no longer contain all the emotions I held inside for so long and buried my face in my hands. But then, I felt a hand on my arm, I look up and she is standing there and slowly lifts me up, she puts her arms around me.......it is a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life.....it was this moment, this time I had the chance to say "Goodbye".

Matters of the Heart...

When words cannot be spoken.....



I always knew that at some point this time would come but continued to look away as though somehow it would change the inevitable. But the time has come, for tomorrow has become today. There will be no need for farewell. I will merely step away and with each step taken I will fade into the background of your minds and in time become nothing more than a distant memory. It is only here, in this memory that I can be the person you need me to be. Although each of us have had a different journey in life we have shared the same path for so long, from the beginning....until now. It is from here I step off that familiar path and slowly walk away. I am not the person you think I am, I never was and I can never be.To continue on would only bring heartache and that is the last thing I would want for the people I have shared so much of my life. Sometimes it is better if things are left unsaid, so it is now I will quietly take that next step away to continue on my own journey and walk the path alone.

Contradiction..

Contradiction:

1. the act of contradicting; gainsaying or opposition.

2. assertion of the contrary or opposite; denial.

3. a statement or proposition that contradicts or denies another or itself and is logically incongruous.

4. direct opposition between things compared; inconsistency.

5. a contradictory act, fact, etc.

.....yes, this is me. I'm many things and this is one aspect that I come to realize that I have found within myself when it comes to certain subject matters. Religion/ Spirituality happens to be one of those aspects. I cannot sit here and profess my faith in God/ Spirituality/ Higher Being for that would not only be a contradiction but a lie. But, even with that being said, I still find value in the written word. I don't say this with any real religious context but in the sense that "words" rather written or spoken can be so powerful.They can unite or they can divide, they can provoke every human emotion. They can bring strife and rebellion or solace and comfort and it is in this context in which I speak of right now. So, if you should read something here that seems remotely religious/spiritual and think of me as contradictory or a hypocrite, that is because I am..........for as I have stated I'm many things, and the least of not which I am human.

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To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose, a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Decisions....

Everyday we are faced with choices in life.While some will be big and require a great deal of thought for the consequences could change the direction of our lives. There will be other decisions that are small with little or no thought will need be given as these are almost automatic because we have been down that road before and know what we want. Then there seems to be a gray area; one in which we will make a choice to seek action or do nothing at all but a decision will be made nonetheless....

.....see, today is Saturday, so that means chore day. I usually start my day by gathering up the dirty clothes and head off to the laundry mat. But as I was starting out the door I decided to use the bathroom before I leave as the restrooms there are not exactly the cleanest, so this was a decision that was made with ease. However, as I was sitting there doing my business it was then that I noticed.....I had put my underwear on inside out...it was clear another decision must be made. No, it wasn't a big decision nor was it automatic for it was one of those that I thought fell into the gray area. Therefore I could seek action to correct the situation or do nothing at all. So after weighing the pros and cons of inaction and having finished my other business the time had come and the choice had been made.............Do nothing at all !

Afterall, what's the worst that could happen, someone see the tag sticking out and know, hell they may get a chuckle out of it.....I know I did (LOL). Afterall, in the grand scheme of things did it really matter ?...........NO !

Ice Storm 2009...continued...

I've heard it said that bad times or a crisis will bring out the best and the worst in people, the last few days I have seen both. I watched neighbors help each other out even when they themselves didn't have the means but shared what little they had with those around them. I have also witnessed people with extras hoard their abundance.

There were some 40,000 plus people here that were without power during the worst part of the storm. In my area the power went out at 5:30am Wednesday morning and did not return until Friday evening.For others, it may be a couple of weeks before power is restored and in that respect I feel fortunate. There were many who sought shelter with family, friends or the comforts of a hotel. But it was those who stayed behind, like myself and chose to weather the storm that gave me a refreshing sense into our own humanity. I have lived here several years and like those around me give a nod of the head or a smile as I pass a neighbor on to my next destination without much thought. But without the modern conveniences of life I was witness to the most basics of life....interactions with those around us. No, I do not have any tales of heroism just the simple things....a hot cup of coffee shared, shoveling the walkway of the person next door, cleaning the ice and snow off a neighbors car, bringing a hot meal to someone who was without heat or just a knock on the door to make sure all was well.However, and not surprising, as the power was slowly restored we enter back into our own little worlds as we close the doors to the outside. The next time we pass we give nod of the head or simply a smile as we hurry on to our next destination.

Ice Storm 2009

It wasn't long ago that I was wanting some snow, well I finally got it, the only problem was that we received lots and lots of ice before the snow arrived. I guess it is true, be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. The freezing rain and sleet started in early Tuesday morning and by 5:30am Wednesday morning the power had gone out. I had already been informed that the shop would be closed for the day, so at daybreak I headed outside to shovel the sidewalks and driveway here at the apartment building. As the rain was coming down and then freezing on contact I realized I was going to have to take a different approach because I was getting soaking wet.So I headed upstairs to my apartment to see what I could find to stay dry while working outside. The best I could come up with was garbage bags...LOL.While it wouldn't win me any awards for best dressed it did prove to be very effective. It also proved to be very challenging to try and remove ice that is securely attached to pavement....But with no electricity and no heat what else was there to do so I took up that challenge and after several hours realized I had lost but I continued on. Around noon it changed to all snow, just what I wanted and to be honest I was content with it even with all the ice that came along with it. There just something about it, the flakes of snow gently floating to the ground in silence..... it brings a sense of calm to my restless spirit.

The Great Depression...

As things seem to be going from bad to worse in the economy the references to the Great Depression become more frequent. I am left to wonder if we really understand the magnitude of the events that took place in that era and how it shaped a generation and if the events of today are a fair comparison. The picture on the left is that of Florence Owens Thompson, it was taken by Dorothea Lange in 1936 and titled " Migrant Mother". It is perhaps one of the single most powerful images of the time. Study the picture...the lines on her forehead, the worry of her brow, the way her hand is placed to the side of her cheek and the eyes most telling of all. It captured the heartache, desperation, despair and hopelessness of a people. When I was kid my parents would talk of this time, for this was the time in which they themselves were children and tried to convey what it was like growing up in this period; it was this time that would shape a part of who they were and how they would live their lives. It is only now as an adult that I have come to realize what sacrifices they must have made while we were kids to ensure that we would have opportunities and choices in life.

Growing up in a rural area I can remember even as a child of how important it was to my parents to make sure we had the garden planted in early spring. It wasn't one of these little backyard gardens you see now, with 9 kids to feed it was an all out effort to make sure we had enough to make it through the winter without having to spend any more than necessary at the country store in town.We started by getting the potatoes in the ground by Good Friday which was usually in March.My parents would get 100 pounds of seed potato and the adults would pull a chair up to one of those big wash tubs and begin cutting them into sections with just the right amount of eyes per slice to make for a good plant later.While this was going on Dad would be plowing the fields and getting them ready and when everything was prepared all of us would have a job to do. While Dad was making the rows one of the older kids would side dress with fertilizer and the little ones would place the seeds into the rows spaced the right distance apart while some of the other kids would follow behind with hoe in hand to cover with dirt.

Next came the plant beds. Throughout the year we would save wood and any limbs that may have fallen due to storms and such and would collect them into one big brush pile and burn them to cleanse the area to plant seed so when mid May came around we would already have seedlings ready for transplant in the main garden. At that time there were few if any nurseries and few could afford them anyway. When May came around it was a nonstop work because now was The Time......time for planting.....tomatoes,corn, green beans,squash,peppers and along with that came the seasonal items that mother nature provided like good ole blackberries. Mom would send all us kids out to pick wild berries to bring back so she could put up for winter like most other items.

After weeks and months of back breaking work to ensure a bountiful harvest, come mid-July some of the vegetables were ready for picking and from then on until late September it was a hectic time trying to get as much as possible canned and put up for the winter months. Even though Mom and Dad worked in the factory that didn't stop them from coming home and doing a full days work there as well. As the youngest, once I entered school my Mom took a job at the factory to help meet the needs of a growing family. But without fail they would get home and start working and would continue until after dark. Their day usually started long before sunrise, Mom would get up at 4:00 am and head to the kitchen to make breakfast and Dad would soon follow and they would sit down to eat together.They would then prepare for work at the factory and do some chores before waking us kids for breakfast and getting us ready when school was in session or in the summer months waking some of the older kids a little after 6:00 am to let them know they were leaving for work.

Yet, all of this was just a small fraction in the effort, work and sacrifice my parents put forth, never thinking of themselves, instead striving to make a better life for us kids. As a young adult and amazed at how they managed to raise all us kids. I asked my Mom once how they did it.....

Her response was a simple one......" Oh, we just threw another bean in the pot"

.....It is only now as I have grown older that I have slowly begun to realize how much I took for granted while I was being raised. Although we may have never had the latest and greatest in the world in terms of material things. I have come to recognize that I have received more in this life than most and it was through the hardships that my parents endured and the sacrifice they made while I was growing up.